fort

Spring break . . . I know I was worried, but so far so good!  I haven’t gone to the office at all this week and it feels very strange that I don’t have to be anywhere first thing in the morning. In fact, I feel distinctly like June Cleaver as I kiss David good-bye after breakfast and he heads to the office.

facebook

I have been writing this blog since June of 2011. I started it because I was heading into a major transition and I wanted to have a way to process and share that experience. In addition (and probably more importantly), I wanted to have a platform where I could work on my ability to communicate authentically without trying to edit out the places where I feel vulnerable (weak, weird, desperate . . . I could go on).

raw

I am big ball of fear this morning. I think it’s the “can I get everything done?” variety, but I could be wrong. What I know is that instead of being reactive and starting to clean the house, or pick a fight with David, or start ordering the kids around, I’m trying to just feel it . . . but this is not easy because it feels like it might swallow me up whole.

grounded

After feeling ambivalent for quite some time, I have finally decided to retire from the flying trapeze.

brene

If you’ve seen Brene Brown’s 2010 TEDxHouston talk about Vulnerability, then you’ll probably be as excited as I was to see her 2012 TED talk about Shame.

If you haven’t seen Brene Brown’s 2010 TEDxHouston talk about Vulnerability, then here’s your chance. . . I mean, do it now . . . what are you waiting for!?!?!?!

scared

Yesterday, David and I had our annual face-to-face meeting with our financial advisor. The meeting followed its normal format – we bring him up to date on our income and expenses and he talks to us about our investments, etc. Nonetheless, I have had a pit in my stomach ever since.

extremities

I saw Catalina this morning (it’s self-care Wednesday!). I was planning to talk about my fear at trapeze, but we got sidetracked by a conversation about how my body reacts when my kids fight (which they seem to be doing a LOT lately). Overall, I think I have a pretty good perspective about their sibling spats (i.e., they are a necessary and even important part of my kids’ growth — learning how to interact with others, how to deal with conflict, etc.) But when the sparks really start flying, I can feel my solar plexus start to batten down the hatches and go into crisis mode.

Now that I am much more present in my body, I notice that when I’m under stress or threat (because they kids are fighting or because I’m worried about a work deadline or because I think I have disappointed someone), I can feel all the energy in my body get sucked into my abdomen. It’s as thought the air raid siren has sounded and every neuron is running for the bomb shelter. Because I have successfully been able to release the chronic tightness I used to feel in my chest and solar plexus, I am able to calm myself within a relatively short period of time once I’m past the “crisis.” But I’m really interested now in actually getting ahead of the phenomenon.

I’m really going to focus on staying present in my body over the next few days when the kids go at it. It will likely feel a bit scary or unsettling to keep my extremities fully-energized (like I am leaving myself exposed to a metaphorical punch in the gut), but I suspect it will ultimately allow me to set smarter and firmer boundaries.

Stay tuned.

ambivalent

Good morning. It’s a beautiful not-full-time Monday morning. I dropped 2 of the kids at school and took the 3rd to the orthodontist. Now I’m back at home wondering what I’m going to do with my morning. Of course, I am always feeling the pull that I could do some legal work to fill the time, but that’s too predictable and that’s not growth. I’m continuing to work on dismantling my need to be “productive” during any time period in which I don’t have any external demands.

Later today I’m heading to a trapeze class with my friend Maile. Flying trapeze is my absolute favorite activity and I completely dread going every time.

ouch

I had dinner with a very wise friend last week. I was talking to her about our new financial paradigm, i.e., David is in charge of providing for the family and I’m in charge of empowering him.

I told my friend about my recent realization that I really don’t like the job of empowerment. My ideal vision of empowerment is me floating around like Grace Kelly dispensing nuggets of wisdom (yes, you’ve heard me say that before), which David accepts graciously and enthusiastically. Instead, empowerment (at least for us) involves a lot of reminders and checklists (boring!), a fair amount of arguing (annoying!) and a lot of discomfort on both sides (uncomfortable [um, redundant!]). I don’t always know when I’m appropriately challenging David and when I’m just nagging or dumping my anxiety. We’re usually able to figure it out eventually, but it can be really messy and painful.

After I described this phenomenon to my friend, she told me that an element of sadism** is absolutely a necessary part of helping someone transform. We don’t like to knowingly or intentionally inflict pain or discomfort on those we love (including ourselves), but we must embrace it with a certain enthusiasm if we’re going to support someone’s growth.

I have spent most of my life doing everything I could NOT to make those around me uncomfortable. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting them or me. But, in fact, I was insulating myself and those around me from feelings, facts and realities that could have led to more understanding, compassion, integrity and intimacy.

I am also realizing that this concept is particularly important when it comes to parenting. I must have some capacity to willingly inflict pain or discomfort in order to let my kids face the difficulties and unpredictability in their world — to tell the truth, even when I know it will cause my kids disappointment or hurt — or to push them to do something even when they’re scared.

[**I really made an effort to only use this word once during this post because I was afraid of what type of traffic might be driven to my blog if I used it multiple times!!]