time

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I am excited to head into the holiday weekend, but I am also wary. I always look forward with great eagerness to having unscheduled time with my family over long weekends or vacations. I typically enjoy it tremendously for the first day or so, but then the anxiety kicks in.

Here’s an example of where my brain goes when I have down time:

Me:”Hey, What are you doing right now?”
Me: “Hmmm, not much, hanging out.”
Me: “Doesn’t sound very productive” <I insert negative judgement>
Me:”So what….?” <I’m defensive but now feel anxious and unworthy>

This type of internal dialogue used to happen completely unconsciously. I would wonder why I started feeling badly for no apparent reason. The good news is that I have started to be able to track it.

This weekend I want to be leisurely and to question my knee-jerk judgments about how I spend my time. I love this quote from Sam Keene’s book “Learning to Fly”:

“Whatever it is that allows us to inhabit time in a leisurely way, to trust that we may give ourselves to the present moment because something of abiding value is unfolding in the process of our becoming is a sacred reality that might well be called ‘God’ or the ground of our being.”

Here’s what I’m going to try this weekend: when I catch myself asking myself “Hey, what are you doing right now”, I will simply reply “I am in the process of becoming.” I’ll report back on how it goes.

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