disconnect

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I had a wonderful 4th of July weekend with my family, including my parents and cousins. I was able to watch the ebb and flow of my activity and not get too attached to thoughts about what I should or shouldn’t be doing. I was relaxed and present. Today was a different story.

I was unprepared for the onslaught of work and family demands that hit me this morning and I spent a good part of the day in “fight or flight.” It felt as though an elephant was sitting on the outside of my chest while a pack of wild monkeys tried to scratch their way out of my chest from the inside. I just kept taking deep breaths and made myself focus on the next thing I needed to take care of. My internal experience wasn’t peaceful or centered today, but I did hold on to the knowledge (just barely) that the panic I felt wasn’t actually related to any truly threatening circumstance. Toward the end of the workday, my anxiety finally waned . . .I could finally breathe freely.

I find it very frustrating when I understand intellectually that everything is fine, but my emotional and physical selves get worked in a tizzy. My head can’t talk them out of it. They don’t accept rational arguments. I have an appointment with the new therapist on Friday. I definitely want to talk to her about this dynamic.

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