I am most definitely experiencing the emotional and physical effects of heading into a major life change (3 more days of full-time). I had a headache and was moody for most of the day yesterday. I told myself that I had no idea why I was feeling that way, but as soon as David suggested that I might be avoiding my feelings about going part-time, I started choking on my words and burst into tears. more…
Monthly Archives: August 2011
I really enjoy writing my blog posts, but I find myself looking at some other blogs and wondering how they make it look so easy. I admit, I have some anxiety about whether I’m going to write a post, what it’s going to say, when I’m going to find the time to write it and how people might react to it. My friend Joel (as I described here) wants me to just go for a stream of consciousness, let-it-all-hang-out approach. I’m trying to move in that direction, but it’s really not the way I’m used to living, let alone writing. I follow a blog called LoveLife written by a woman named Kal Barteski. I really admire the way she is able to just express her thoughts and tell about her day in a way that is compelling and seems effortless. I know I don’t want to imitate someone else’s style. I need to find my own voice. But I’d like to capture some of the freedom that Kal seems to possess in her blogging.
- Looking back: I had an incredible weekend with my daughters, my friend Lauri and her two sons at Esalen in Big Sur. We took hikes, played, talked, ate, read books, did art and laughed a lot. Lauri and I traded off watching the kids while the other went to the spa or had quiet time in the meditation room. The beauty of nature, the fresh ocean air, the organic food, two morning meditations and the incredible massages combined to make for a truly magical time.
- Looking forward: This is officially my last week of full-time work. I am feeling very strange. I am so accustomed to orienting my life around the strong gravitational pull exerted by the demands of my job. As I have fewer things on my desk, it becomes surprisingly difficult to evaluate the level of urgency or importance of each item — It is as though I feel the same amount of gravitational force but channelled through whatever work remains regardless of the actual urgency or importance of any particular matter. It’s ok not to do something right away if there are 15 things more important on my desk — but prioritizing a smaller list (while feeling adrift due to the lack of demand on my time) feels really unsettling. To say it yet another way, I am accustomed to going from “have to” to “have to” during my days and I don’t yet know what to do with “choose to.”
One of my oldest friends (as in I have known her a really long time – she is not particularly old) recently sent me a link to a speech entitled “Solitude and Leadership” given by William Deresiewicz* in 2009 to the incoming class at West Point. The speech is long and intense. After I finished reading it, I thought about it for hours. more…
We’re in a post-summer-camps-post-vacation-pre-start-of-school lull. It’s heavenly. We don’t have to wake up to an alarm. Instead of getting kids dressed and packing lunches, we hang out together, talk and listen to music while David cooks breakfast. Once the dishes are cleared, the kids wander off to play a game, read a book or practice piano (because they have to do that before they are allowed any time on the computer). This morning I sat with my son and helped him to learn the left hand of “Rockin’ Robin.” When I mentioned that he was about ready to put the right and left hand parts together, he said “Only if you are here to help me!!” Not too long ago that would have made my heart sink as I contemplated the unlikelihood of my being present during his piano practice. But it’s a new world. . . and one which includes my fair share of piano practices, homework, carpools and dance classes. Right now it sounds completely wonderful. I know that after a while, the novelty will fade and it will just turn into my new routine, but I really hope I can stay aware of how delicious it is for my kids to want me around.
This was a great family weekend. We spent lots of what can easily be called “quality” time together — not always harmonious, but filled with activity, laughter and togetherness. It felt abrupt to leave the house this morning to go to the office. My heart is ready to be home more.
However, as much as it pained me to walk out the door, my kids barely noticed my departure. They each had their nose buried in a book. We really lucked out in the reading department. All three of my kids adore books. Our love of reading (both independently and together) is really a defining characteristic of our family. So although David and I often find ourselves saying things like “Please don’t bring that book to the breakfast table” or “Put the book down and focus on brushing your teeth” or “How did this book get in the oatmeal?” — we really don’t mind a bit.
On this topic, my friend Maile just showed me the trailer for her new book “The Apothecary”, which comes out October 4th. Look out J.K.!
We are looking forward to a pilates, football, hair cuts, root beer floats & (gluten-free) pizza, slumber party and trapeze kind of weekend.
Leave it to Brene Brown’s blog “Ordinary Courage” and The Velveteen Rabbit to provide me with inspiration as I close out the week.