I am feeling very discombobulated today (which is a word I don’t think I have ever actually put in writing before). It’s my first day back at work after a wonderful two-week vacation. Of course it is going to feel strange to be back. This is also my first time posting on my blog since last Tuesday, which feels like some sort of minor failing on my part. That being said, I have to leave room for myself to post more or less often as time and inspiration permit.
I said (and experienced) a lot over vacation about the joy of being in the present moment. I knew that I would have a harder time being present when I got home, but the immediate and dramatic increase in difficulty upon walking in the door of our house was really surprising to me.
It’s really much harder (for me) to bring my attention to the Now when I see the chipped paint on my walls (“I need to get the painter to the house – I’m really not a very good homemaker because I have chipped paint on the walls – What is a homemaker exactly? Will I be one when I go part-time?”), when the car battery dies again (“I need to figure out a time to replace it – Wait, car maintenance is David’s responsibility – Will he remember? When should I remind him? Will he get annoyed with me if I remind him?”), when I see all the mail that came in while we were gone (“We need to set aside time to pay bills – Did we miss any payments while we were gone? Are we going to make enough money to pay our bills once I go part-time?”). Spending a lot of time in the past and in the future is exhausting.
Work is . . . well . . .it just feels weird. My last 3 weeks of being full-time. I hope these 3 weeks aren’t super busy, but I’m also scared that I won’t be busy. I want to feel essential and indispensable, while not having too much required of me. Ha! Wouldn’t that be nice?
I miss my kids today. I was with them for 2 weeks straight. It wasn’t all easy, but I knew what they were doing and not doing and now I’m just wondering what they’re doing (this whole line of thinking is not being present, but I do want to be present to the feeling of missing them . . . hmmmm).
This post feels very disjointed (then again, I did give an upfront warning about my discombobulated state, so I guess I have just been true to that).
(Deep breath. Look at what is next on my desk. One thing at a time.)