Today the kids don’t have school because there are parent-teacher conferences. These days always used to be frustrating for me. I would make plans for the kids to do something fun with the nanny while I went to the office. Today they get to be with me. I’m taking two of my kids to a farm/pumpkin patch, but my oldest daughter is hanging out with a friend. There is a voice in my head trying to make me feel bad that I worked right through the years that she would want to hang out with me. There is some truth to what that voice is telling me, but it is not the whole truth. And, more importantly, if I listen to that voice, I will sit in regret rather than be open and available for the ways I can be present for my daughter today.
On another note, I went back to Catalina this week. We worked on the tightness in my chest. I have experienced strong sensations of heaviness, constriction and adrenaline in the center of my chest for as long as I remember. Catalina and I talked through some life events that may have contributed to these sensations as she alternated pressing on points on my sternum, ribs and holding my feet. Our conversation centered mainly around two events. The first is when I was in my early twenties and having a surgical procedure, I had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic which made it extremely difficult to breathe as I was going under the general anesthesia — pretty terrifying. The second was my dad’s death when I was 13 and the way I withheld expressing my grief. Catalina encouraged me to take my attention off of the sensations in my chest. She said that by obsessing (my word, not hers) on the tightness in my chest, I reinforce the idea that something is wrong. Instead, she encouraged me to focus on the feelings of my arms and legs being relaxed and the solidity of the connection between my feet and the floor. I have been experimenting with that the last few days and have been really successful at restoring a sense of calm in my chest.
Off to the pumpkin patch!