I hate losing my cool with my kids. I feel like a jerk and I feel mean. In my head, I long to be a combination of Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly and June Cleaver, floating from room to room dispensing unconditional love to my children. I imagine myself remaining calm and serene in the face of any provocation while drawing on my vast life experience to dispense endless nuggets of wisdom, which my children gobble up like little Pac-Men (and Women). In reality, I feel more like a unpredictable mixture of Lucy Ricardo, Cinderella’s stepmother and Pee-Wee Herman. So much for grace and serenity.
The kids were home from school today because of Veteran’s Day. The tantrums and fights were non-stop and I exploded at least once an hour. In those moments, I feel as though I have made no progress at all in my pursuit of calmer and more connected parenting. I feel like a total failure as a mother and I am ruthless in assessing my missteps.
I MUST remind myself that I am not chasing an ideal as a mother. I want to be an authentic and effective parent who acts from intention instead of reaction. But within that pursuit there are a few things I need to keep in mind: (1) Transforming any area is a long and challenging process, (2) I will always be a work in progress, and (3) It’s important for my kids to see me as a human being who makes mistakes and can clean them up with love and humility. Ahhhhhh (long exhale as I regain perspective)
On another note: Below are some pictures from the field trip I took this week with my son’s 2nd grade class to Cabrillo Marina tidepools in San Pedro. It was fantastic!!