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David is 41 today. We’re getting up there. He’s 5 4.5 months older than I am, so his birthdays are a little reminder of what is around the corner for me. But 40 has been very good to me, so I’m telling 41 to bring it on.

In honor of David’s birthday-eve (actually, in spite of), I was a total b%$&* to him all day yesterday. I got mad at something he did early in the day which put me in a state that I just couldn’t seem to get myself out of. Part of me looked on as everything during the day got filtered through a particular lens that painted David as the bad guy and me as the victim. I was so frustrated because I knew I was responsible for creating the dynamic, but I couldn’t find a way to stop my knee-jerk reactions. No matter what I told myself, I wasn’t successful at shutting it down. It was like biting my cheek and then biting the same swollen spot over and over again.

I didn’t have any epiphanies or watershed moments. We made it to the end of the day without killing each other and, after we got the last kid in bed, I gave him a huge hug and thanked him for not divorcing me. He responded with his usual patient (if weary) smile and let me off the hook. By the time we went to bed ourselves, my victim-mindset had disappeared.

I wish I could always pinpoint why my various emotional states come on and what, exactly, I could do to make them go away. I don’t like being out of control. But the paradox is that when I try to control my feelings, they are more likely to control me. I need to accept my dark and unpleasant feelings and moods as part of the complete Lindsey emotional palette. If I’m not afraid of them, they’re less likely to hurt me and those around me.

* * *

I’m headed back downtown this morning for more jury questioning. Maybe (just maybe), I will find out by the end of today whether I am on this jury or not.

* * *


One response »

  1. Yo, b%$&*… Happy birthday to David!


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