I am big ball of fear this morning. I think it’s the “can I get everything done?” variety, but I could be wrong. What I know is that instead of being reactive and starting to clean the house, or pick a fight with David, or start ordering the kids around, I’m trying to just feel it . . . but this is not easy because it feels like it might swallow me up whole.
The literal physical manifestation of this fear moves between a slightly dizzy, tingling feeling (like I’m free falling) to a sensation like someone is injecting various parts of my body with hot water.
Today is the first day of my kids’ spring break and the first time (in the new version of my life) that I have had my kids on a school vacation where I also had to figure out how to get my 10-15 hours of legal work done and be available on a moment’s notice for the calls and emails that need my attention or response (hello run on sentence). I’m sure that this lack of routine/schedule is part of what is causing this panicked feeling . . . although I think this fear is always there . . . underneath . . . and the lack of routine/schedule is just bringing it to the surface.
Since I woke this morning I have been desperately trying to figure out the “right” way to configure my legal work, meals, errands and “quality time” with my kids today, but it keeps eluding me (there it goes . . . the hot water through my arms). I attempt this sort of optimization (albeit a lower-grade version) almost every day. Intellectually, I know that there is no such thing as the “right” configuration. But today the uncertainty is making me feel completely exposed and raw.