Monthly Archives: April 2012

fuzzy

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One of the big things I’m working on right now is being able to stand for myself. To be able to share my thoughts and feelings openly — even when they may differ from the thoughts and feelings of those around me. I have seen improvement over the last few months, but there are still numerous times where I can feel myself shutting down or backing away from saying something that might come into conflict with someone else’s plan or point of view. I get robotic, my brain gets foggy and I hear things coming out of my mouth that I don’t mean and that I didn’t plan to say. more…

bill

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While David and I were going through the mail this evening, I discovered we had been sent a “False Alarm Bill” from the City of Los Angeles. $151.00 because I chose to be safe and call the cops when my burglar alarm went off a few weeks ago.

I understand, from a public policy standpoint, why the city creates a disincentive to calling the police. But opening the envelope and finding that notice felt like getting in trouble (You can probably guess that I haven’t “gotten in trouble” much in my life) — an authority scolding me for overreacting, for making a big deal out of nothing.

Given how much angst I had about calling the police in the first place, the fact that I also got my hand slapped makes me mad. I wasn’t frivolous. I wasn’t rash. I was alone in the dark with my son and I had no way to know whether there was an actual threat or not.

David thinks I did the right thing and he told me he hopes I would do the same thing next time. But I know that if and when I am ever in that situation again, the “False Alarm Bill” will be added to the scale on the side of Reasons Not to Call the Police.

better

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So far . . .a little better. I have had several moments during the days since my last post when David or one of the kids has done something frustrating and have I felt myself start to descend into that darker, more victimized place. In most of these cases, I have felt it start to happen (it literally feels like a trickle of hot lava that starts in my throat and flows into my stomach) and I’ve caught myself by thinking: “This is it! This is me going into upset.” more…

upset

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In my seminar this past Wednesday, we had a discussion about various ways that people “dominate” others. Certain ways are more obvious. For example, some people dominate with arrogance or money or authority or information. Other ways are less obvious, such as dominating through withholding, cynicism, humor or victimization. Essentially, we all have tools (conscious or unconscious) that we use to control situations, steer conversations or manipulate others. During a break on Wednesday night, I asked David how I dominate. more…

alarming

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Today is our last day (well, weekday) of spring break. David is in New York this week and my two daughters are in San Diego with their grandparents. Last night, I stayed up too late watching “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo,” but I figured I’d be able to sleep in this morning to make up for it . . .Wrong!! more…

close

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I was, of course, nervous about sending my blog out to a wider audience. I have had a few moments of minor panic over the last few days — moments where I realized that I had opened up my innermost thoughts and feelings to hundreds of people. more…