It has been a couple of weeks since I’ve written. I don’t have any particular schedule for posting on my blog. Usually, I get struck by an idea and then find myself starting to write it in my head. If the writing in my head part seems to be working, then I head for the computer and actually try to turn it into a post.
During the last 2 weeks, I have had plenty of experiences. Among other things, I celebrated my 41st birthday and Mother’s Day, I started a 21-day cleanse, I decided to join a small group seminar run by my therapist and I spent an entire Saturday at a coaching seminar with Breck. All of this was rich potential fodder for my blog about my life and my transformation. But nothing has compelled me to write.
A few weeks back, I wrote a post entitled “Fuzzy”, in which I stated that “one of the big things” I was working on was “being able to stand for myself. To be able to share my thoughts and feelings openly.” When I wrote that, I don’t think I fully appreciated what I had chosen to undertake.
Very simply, what I’m trying to do is learn how to speak, act and move through the world definitively (not always inquiring or referential). That may sound straightforward and simple. But what I’m discovering is that this “big thing” is more than just the latest in a series of issues I’m working on. It’s a core way of being that I’m trying to unwind and evolve. It’s foundational, it’s hard to grasp, and it’s terrifying.
I think it’s challenging to post right now because, although my daily life is moving along fairly normally and with plenty of variety and goodness and joy, I’m simultaneously engaged in the process of moving a glacier while blindfolded. It’s hard to know what to write about except that it’s dark and cold and heavy. I don’t know if it will take a month, a year or a decade.
With any luck the nuanced descriptions, the feelings, the clarity and the inspiration will follow at some point soon. Until then. Just know that I’m here pushing some big ice . . .